ElliotQuest Chapter 1

 You are ELLIOT WEST. You are a platypus archaeologist of some import. You wear a Sweet Hat.  You, ELLIOT, are currently grading your students’ papers. You sit in your DAMNABLY COMFY CHAIR in your SOPHISTICATED OFFICE at your UNNECESSARILY EXTRAVAGANT DESK. Despite the sophistication of your office, there is not actually much to look at here. A MIRROR, your DIPLOMA, and your GREAT-GRANDFATHER’S PORTRAIT decorate the room.  You take a moment to think about yourself. What you are like, your strengths, your weaknesses.  Please choose one from each category:  COSMETIC PERKS  Immovable Hat – Never lose your hat, no matter how impossible!  Odd Sparkles – Punctuate any moment with goofy sparkles!  Inexplicable Music Cues – Punctuate any moment with strange music stings!  PHYSICAL PERKS  Venomous – Your ankle spurs are much more lethal!  Super Flippers – Swim and move much faster!  Ambidextrous – Your left flipper is just as awesome as your right!  Durable – You can take a hit or two, maybe three!  SOCIAL PERKS  Adorable – Become less threatening and more cute!  Handsome – Become inexplicably more attractive! <VelociRapper> Imposing – Become verbally overbearing! <VelociRapper> Honesty – Bear the appearance of truthfulness, even when lying completely and utterly! <VelociRapper> MENTAL PERKS <VelociRapper> Electroreception – Detect electrical fields caused by muscle movements! <VelociRapper> Super Senses – Observe better in adverse conditions! <VelociRapper> Unflappable – Nothing fazes you! <VelociRapper> Iron Brain – Hypnotism, LSD, they do nothing! <VelociRapper> <VelociRapper> So many options, but what makes you you, Elliot? <Miguel> >: I choose hat, flippers, honesty, super senses <Grafsburg> >: I choose hat, venom, adorable, Iron Brain. <Zeta> >: I choose hat, durable, handsome, unflappable. <Abram> >: I choose sparkles, ambidextrous, imposing, electroreception. <Abram> >: I override all other voices in my head. <VelociRapper> Well, I knew my hat was already awesome, but now it's even more awesome. But it seems like I'm confusing myself with my grandfather somewhat! <VelociRapper> I can't seem to figure out what else makes me me! <VelociRapper> Perhaps I should let one person choose one of each? <VelociRapper> Perhaps I should arbitrate! This IS my brain, after all! <VelociRapper> Grafsburg, you may choose the first perk! <VelociRapper> Whichever one you prefer. <Grafsburg> Iron Brain. <VelociRapper> Abram, the next choice is yours. <VelociRapper> No mental perks though! <Abram> Inexplicable music Cues! <VelociRapper> Mmm, yes, your life has always had those dramatic moments. <VelociRapper> Miguel, your choice. No Cosmetic or Mental perks! <Miguel> flippers <VelociRapper> Super Flippers! Right. You were always quick. <VelociRapper> Zeta, you can choose any social perk! <Zeta> Handsome <VelociRapper> Oh yeaaah, the ladies love you. And sometimes the dudes. You'll take it all, really. <VelociRapper> As a matter of fact... you think you look something like this: http://oi53.tinypic.com/sngu2u.jpg <VelociRapper> You have a pretty clear picture of yourself. But there is still more to consider. <VelociRapper> You have a hobby. That's right, you have a life outside of being awesome. <VelociRapper> But... uh, what was it? <VelociRapper> Oh! <VelociRapper> You think it was one of these: <VelociRapper> Illustration – Make pretty pictures! <VelociRapper> Guitar – Make nice sounds! <VelociRapper> Sports – Throw stuff! <VelociRapper> Dancing – Move like a BOSS! <Miguel> >: Illustrtion <Grafsburg> >: Dancing <Abram> >: Sports. <Zeta> >: Dancing. <VelociRapper> Oh yes. Not only are you HOT, you can MOVE. <VelociRapper> Shake them hips! <VelociRapper> Hmm... so, to be clear <VelociRapper> You have SUPER FLIPPERS, MUSIC CUES, an IRON BRAIN, and are HANDSOME. Your big hobby is DANCING. <VelociRapper> That's quite a combination! You must be very lithe! <VelociRapper> The moment of thought has passed. It feels good to take stock of yourself every now and then. <VelociRapper> ---COMMANDS YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW--- <VelociRapper> RecallPast > Remember what happened recently! <VelociRapper> Objectives > Remember what you're supposed to be doing! <VelociRapper> Inventory > Remember what items are on you! <VelociRapper> - <VelociRapper> You are still sitting at your desk, with your student's papers. What do you do? <Abram> >: RecallPast <VelociRapper> Ah yes. The semester is almost ended, and you are grading final papers. You are almost done! <Grafsburg> >: Objectives <VelociRapper> More recently, though, you request for funds for an expedition was granted! You will be heading out in a couple weeks, actually <VelociRapper> OBJECTIVES: Grade papers, Prepare for expedition, Contact TAs for grades, Eat lunch <Miguel> >: Continue grading papers, gotta get the drudge-work done! <Zeta> >: Inventory <Grafsburg> >: Also get the drug work done. <VelociRapper> Yes, that's right. You have an obligation to the University. But these blasted students! They know NOTHING! Their ignorance infuriates you. <VelociRapper> INVENTORY: WALLET, your TRUSTY PEN, a SMOKING PIPE. Inside the wallet is some CASH and various ID CARDS <VelociRapper> You are thankful that you are almost done. There are only two papers left. But this one is sickening. <VelociRapper> "so yeah I guess I'll talk about like the ancient Pinghutwanian peoples and stuff cuz like Prof West said to-" URGH. Revolting. <Miguel> >: Get through them then contact the TAs. Where do these papers go anyway? <Grafsburg> >: Give that paper a F for EFFort. <Abram> >: Remember TAs come from the student body. Hate them. <VelociRapper> You'd like to get through these papers, but you have to assign a GRADE to them. These papers could go back to the students, or they could go into the trash. But you need to transcribe the grades on them first. <Abram> >: Random red pennage, GO! <Grafsburg> >: Draw a trollface next to the F. <VelociRapper> Those damn TAs! They never do your work properly! <VelociRapper> In your moment of extreme hate and prejudice, you write an F so large that it takes up the entire paper. <VelociRapper> You then put a little frowny face next to it. You aren't so good at drawing, unfortunately. <Abram> Make a small note that if you write things in red pen, it actually means the paper was good. <Miguel> >: Check out the last paper <VelociRapper> Too disgusted to linger on this paper, you put it aside and look at the last one. <Abram> >: Give it an F minus minus. <VelociRapper> This one is not so revolting. In fact, it looks like this person even read a book! But, students... They need to learn. <Grafsburg> >: Write "Cthulhu Ftaghn" in it out of boredom. <Abram> >: Write that the paper is so bad that the ruling authorities should send them to Moonbase Alpha and never let them return. <VelociRapper> You write down LOVECRAFTIAN GIBBERISH on the paper. You hesitate on just giving an F, though. You might be risking your reputation as a professor. <Zeta> >: Nitpick the paper to bits, even if it's good. <VelociRapper> Yes, that's how to do it! Every spelling error, even if it is minor and grammatical, must be PUNISHED WITH EXTREME IMPUNITY. The paper currently has a C score. <Zeta> >: Call one of the TAs to yell at them about how terrible the papers are <Abram> >: We gotta push it guys. Make up spots where they should have had commas. Five points off for each one. <VelociRapper> Hmm, yes, you could do that. But then you'd be yelling at them for no reason, which you suppose you could. Are you that much of a jerk though? <Grafsburg> >: Be nice and grade fairly. <VelociRapper> Yes, this student's grasp of language is POOR AT BEST. You add in extraneous commas which slow down the flow of the paper, and make it worse. It is now a D+ paper. <Miguel> >: Give him a pity C <VelociRapper> It suddenly occurs to you that you are being A PRICK FOR SOME REASON THAT YOU DON'T KNOW. Pangs of guilt wash over you, and you decide to scratch out some edits. You put a C on the paper with LOVECRAFTIAN GIBBERISH. <Abram> >: JUST WRITE A BIG RED LINE AND MOVE ON <VelociRapper> You would if you had a red pen! <VelociRapper> You decide to move on anyways. 05:26:03: <Abram> >: Have a fight with the pen about how it should be red. <Miguel> >: Take the papers to wherever they have to be <VelociRapper> You grasp your TRUSTY PEN and hold it up to your PLATYPUS FACE. It has been with you for years! You've had its ink refilled! Not putting red ink in it is your own fault! But still, you slap it down on your EXTRAVAGANT DESK in frustration! <VelociRapper> Your papers don't NEED to be anywhere. You still need to log the papers in your gradebook though! After that... <Zeta> >: Log the papers in your gradebook so you can go do something not as maddening! <Miguel> >: Log the papers and include a treatise on the degeneration of youth <Abram> >: Make sure that logging the papers is accompanied by a bombastic musical cue. <VelociRapper> You pull your GRADEBOOK OF OMINOUS PORTENT from your EXTRAVAGANT DESK. You begin writing down grades. C, D, C, F, F, F, F, F, F, F, F- <VelociRapper> Suddenly, time compresses, and in a montage of paper flicks and writing accompanied by uplifting 80s orchestral music, you have finished logging the grades! <VelociRapper> You lean back in your DAMNABLY COMFY CHAIR, and make a note to write an angry paper on the failure of today's youth. <Zeta> >: Objectives <VelociRapper> OBJECTIVES: Get grades from TAs, Prepare for expedition, Get lunch <Grafsburg> >: Lunch. <Abram> >: Skip to lunch. <VelociRapper> Mm, yes, food. You can't run and dance and grade without having lunch! <VelociRapper> What did you have in mind for lunch? <Miguel> >: Whatever platypuses like to eat <VelociRapper> Platypuses are carnivores! But you in are particular are not above eating... bread... <VelociRapper> Maybe some cheese? <Grafsburg> >: Make a chicken sandwich. <Grafsburg> >: With pepperjack. <Zeta> >: Cheese sandwich. With extra cheese. <Abram> >: More like a krill sandwich. <VelociRapper> A... chicken? While you don't doubt it tastes good, you don't exactly see a need to resort to cannibalism. Or, well, just eating other sapient beings. Yet. <VelociRapper> A cheese sandwich could be done. Maybe a krill sandwich. But how are you going to get one? <Abram> >: Snack on some annelids or freshwater shrimp, yo. <Abram> >: Look yourself up on Wikipedia to get a proper reckoning of your diet. <VelociRapper> Mmm, yes, those are starting to sound very, very good. <Miguel> >: Try to remember what knid of meat people eat in this universe <VelociRapper> You would if you had a computer here! But since you are obviously self absorbed, you memorized the article anyways: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platypus <Abram> >: Stand up from chair and walk to door. <VelociRapper> People eat lots of meat. Most common is Bubbalo meat. <VelociRapper> You get up from your DAMNABLY COMFY CHAIR, missing its tender embrace already while walking towards the door. <Miguel> >: What's a bubbalo? <Abram> >: Open door. Ponder nature of the noble bubbalo. <VelociRapper> As you open the door, you consider the plight of the poor Bubbalo. A terrible fate, to have to live in 1x1x1 ft cages while your kin shit on you from cages above. They are EXTREMELY TASTY, though. <Grafsburg> >: Ponder writing an essay denouncing the bubbalo industry. <Abram> >: Take three steps forward. Turn right. <Zeta> >: Make note to somehow link angry paper about the degeneration of youth to the plight of the Bubbalo. <VelociRapper> You conscience, inconsistent as it is, cannot stand the plight of the poor Bubbalo! You will write a tract about it later, you think. <VelociRapper> You will connect it to the youth of today, their INCESSANT DEMAND FOR MEAT causing this! <Abram> >: Take two steps down the hall. Recall where break room is. <VelociRapper> You step into the hallway. Unlike your office, it is pretty plain and boring, colored in beige. Your office is at the end. Along the hall is the EXIT at the opposite end, and TWO OTHER OFFICES. <VelociRapper> This building, unfortunately, is rather lame. It doesn't have a break room! You lobbied the budget to give yourself a DAMNABLY COMFY CHAIR, remember? <Miguel> >: Go to where lunch is <VelociRapper> Lunch could be in a lot of places! Could you make your query more specific? <Abram> >: Whereever gets us a freaking krill sandwich with annelids on the side. <VelociRapper> Hmm... Well, there is the campus cafeteria. While satisfactory, you find associating with... students... distasteful. You could always go to the dining hall in the ADMINISTRATION BUILDING. <VelociRapper> Aternatively, you could go HOME. But you still have business on campus. <Miguel> >: Go to the dining hall in the admin building <VelociRapper> Ah yes, eating amongst your equals will be best. You leave WEST HALL and go to the ADMINISTRATION BUILDING, going straight to the dining hall. You see some people here, and a short line for food. <VelociRapper> You get in line, and once it is your turn, you order a KRILL AND ANNELID PILE OF DELICIOUSNESS. <Miguel> >: Find a quiet spot to eat <VelociRapper> Yes, even though they are your equals, few of them actually know a thing about archaeology, and thus, are still beneath you. <VelociRapper> You decide to eat in the DARK AND LONELY CORNER. It inspires somber feelings, knowing that your INTELLECTUAL PROWESS has physically isolated you from most everyone. The feeling passes quickly as you get a mouthful of ANNELID. <Miguel> >: Eat with polite graciousness that only a serious archaeologist can manage <VelociRapper> You cannot be gracious if there is no one around to be gracious to! You decide to consume food in a most sophisticated manner. <VelociRapper> That way, if anyone watches you, they will be aware of your POISE AND INTELLECT. <Abram> >: Recall if anyone in the building remains unaware of how incredibly awesome you are. <VelociRapper> Hmm. Finished with your PILE OF DELICIOUSNESS, you ponder just who doesn't know HOW FUCKING AWESOME YOU ARE. Most of your peers are aware, if even in a most basic level of your AWESOMENESS. <VelociRapper> Hmm. You think everyone here is aware. You aren't entirely sure. <VelociRapper> Most of them just kinda... eat. <Abram> >: Finish eating sandwich. <Abram> >: Then sit there and think about what you've done. <Zeta> >: Look around and see if there is anyone in the room that DOES know anything about archaeology <VelociRapper> You're already finished. Regardless, you sit in the LESS THAN COMFY chair and ponder the nature of your existence. <VelociRapper> Such harsh, demeaning grades you impose upon your students! Most of them view you as a terror, surely. <VelociRapper> Upon looking around the room, you notice Dr. Hauser. While he has focused on a culture entirely different than yours, he is otherwise an actually respectable and legitimate person! <Abram> >: Laugh about it. <VelociRapper> You tilt your head forwards, hiding your eyes under the brim of your Sweet Hat. You let out a sadistic laugh. Silly students. They will learn. And you will teach. <Zeta> >: Go and discuss your upcoming expedition with Dr. Hauser <VelociRapper> Yes, this will be a most wholesome opportunity to GLOAT ENDLESSLY to Dr. Hauser. This marks the third year in a row where he was DENIED FUNDS for his expedition. <VelociRapper> You get up, and make your way to the Doctor. <VelociRapper> "Greetings, Hauser." "West. <Zeta> >: Gloat three times as much as you did the first year, as this is the third year, after all. <VelociRapper> Yes, yes! Of course! That makes sense and is so obvious you wonder why you didn't think of it earlier! <VelociRapper> "Dr. Hauser, how does it feel to have been DENIED YET AGAIN?" "Fuck off, Elliot. I don't need your bullshit." <Zeta> >: Imply that your bullshit would be able to FINANCE AN EXPEDITION, if probably harnessed. <VelociRapper> "My bullshit, good sir, is so potent and valuable, that archaeologists in the future would attempt to salvage it. I could even sell it now to uncultured rubes to fund my expeditions... unlike some people we know." <VelociRapper> "Fuck you, man. You only get the cash because the president had a hard-on for your Grand-father!" <Abram> >: Wait, is this helping us prepare for our expedition? <VelociRapper> No, not really. It just feels good. <VelociRapper> You are kind of a jerk, after all. <VelociRapper> "I bet you wear that hat to feel better about yourself, you elitist midget prick." <Zeta> >: Imply that you wear the hat because it shields mere mortals from your full radiance, which they could not comprehend. <Abram> >: Inform him the hat just completes your image of incredibleness. <Zeta> >: After that, depart, obviously victorious. <VelociRapper> "My awe-inspiring countenance requires that I wear a hat to protect weaklings from falling to their knees at my beauty, which strikes them as angelic." You begin to leave, but Dr. Hauser continues his verbal counter-attack. "Your beauty is the kind that comes straight out my ass!" <Abram> >: Tell him that if that is the case his ass should feel very privileged. <Zeta> >: Stop arguing, and start thinking about preparing for your glorious expedition. After all, the more glorious it is, the more it will sting Dr. Hauser <VelociRapper> "Then your ass is rather fortunate to have such a capability." <VelociRapper> You leave, plotting ways of making things sting further. He is your rival, and as such he must be treated with EXTREME PROFESSIONAL PREJUDICE. <VelociRapper> There is not much you need to do, right now. You are mostly just waiting. You do need to do some PAPERWORK, though. <VelociRapper> Your expedition is largely already prepared for. <Abram> >: Then get to it! <Abram> >: Wherever that is. <Abram> >: Note that you forgot about TAs. Do not care. <VelociRapper> FINE GEEZ. This will be easy since you are already in the ADMINISTRATION BUILDING <VelociRapper> You remember that you forgot about the TAs. You do not care for them, but you still need to get their grades. <Abram> >: Rail at the responsible side of your head. Decide to get that shizz done so we can get to EXTREME ARCHAEOLOGY. <VelociRapper> YES! EXTREME ARCHAEOLOGY is what you LIVE FOR! You hate your damn responsible side, but you wouldn't be where you are without it. It's a love/hate thing. <VelociRapper> You head to the PRESIDENT'S OFFICE. You enter, and see PRESIDENT BARNES working at his desk. He looks up at you with a smile on his face. "Elliot mah boi, wot can I do fer ya?" <Abram> >: "We're talking about archaeology, my good man. Of the extreme kind." <VelociRapper> "You mean the exshpedishun. Wot about it?" <Grafsburg> >: Tell him you need more funding. Much more. <Abram> >: TELL HIM. HE SMELLS. PRETTY. <Abram> >: AHHHHH <VelociRapper> More money? But you have all you need! Trying to shake down the president right now might not be good. What would you even use it for? Hookers and blow? <VelociRapper> "Mmm, smells pretty nice in here. Is this a new scented cigar" "Why yesh, it is. Cherray." Barnes puts his cigar to his lips and puffs. Fragrant. <Grafsburg> >: Inform him that smoking kills. <Zeta> >: Ask if you can have one of the cigars for yourself. <VelociRapper> "Smoking kills stress." "It mosht shertainly doesh." "May I have one?" "Yesh, here." Barnes offers a cigar. <Zeta> >: Light the cigar up <VelociRapper> You don't have a lighter or match! <VelociRapper> "May I have a light?" Barnes extends his FANCY LIGHTER and lights your cigar up. You prefer PIPES, but this will do. <Abram> >: Smoke like a boss. <Zeta> >: Thank the president for the cigar, discuss what it is you're looking for on your expedition <VelociRapper> You drag on that cigar like no one else can, letting smoke out your the nostrils in your bill while lowering your hat. Bad. Ass. "Thank you." "Your welcome." <VelociRapper> "I think we might find something that will give us great insight to the CHALCHIXTUANI." "Yesh, I mosht shertainly hope sho. I heard that preliminary searchesh have found a shtatue?" "Yes, with any luck we can extract it." <VelociRapper> "Yesh, I want to have it here, on dishplay. But I get the feeling ya didn't come here ta jusht talk about it." "Yes, I need you to give me the rest of the PAPERWORK." "Raight, raight, here." President Barnes hands you a PILE OF PAPERS. <Zeta> >: Objectives <VelociRapper> OBJECTIVES: Get Grades from TAs, Complete paperwork for expedition <Abram> >: Grudgingly take papers. <Zeta> >: Go get the grades from the TAs. Ugh. <VelociRapper> Ugh. Paperwork. Ugh. TAs. "Thank you," you say with an exasperated sigh. "I shall have this back to you soon." You then leave Barnes to smoke some more. <VelociRapper> It occurs to you that you don't know exactly where your TAs are right now.